To Be or not to Be!

Who are you? No really, who are you? This is not a random question. So simple - so straightforward right? Yet the answer eludes so many of us. I didn’t ask what you did so for those who said a teacher, a doctor, a photographer or an entrepreneur then try again. I didn’t say anything about your relationship to someone else either. It is almost like if they didn’t exist then neither would you. So for those who said someone’s wife, mother, father, husband, child then you have to rethink this too. Who are you? Don’t dodge the question, it’s a biggy and a great one if you figure out the right response – and believe me it is out there. I didn’t ask about your spiritual beliefs either so if you said a Buddhist, a Christian or an Atheist then EECH! That does not cut it either. Now for those of you who have sorted this out then fantastic and more power to you, but as you may have noticed, who you are changes because we should be growing and moving in our lives. The only things that don’t grow are the ones that are dead! Lots of fundamental aspects of who we are simply never change, but we do develop, at least we should.
So… who are you? Are you getting anything? Ok let’s take the pressure off. Maybe a better question for me should be – Who the hell am I? I used to describe myself as a not bad looking; Christian wife and mother of two, self-employed, loves graphics; entertaining and movies. (And a few other superficial things as well)
After my break up and subsequent divorce I started thinking about this question again. Does this mean that 1/5 of ‘me’ was now gone with the marriage? Seriously? What if I had no Kids like millions of people out there? Here is the problem. Many of us - I think - define ourselves by what we do, what we create and the presence of things external. We tend to be sometimes lost on who we are because that question is connected to what we are meant to do – as in here on earth. And that is a loaded question. It is not outside of us. It is in a reflection but not from a mirror.

Some people live very oblivious lives day in day out never to consider looking beneath the surface to explore the possibility of ‘more’. I think that we are sometimes scared - scared that there is more and we will then have a responsibility to do something about it and scared that there may not be!...and then what? Personally I hope that there is much more because if all there is, is this hum-drum that we call life; this rat race of work, home, kids, debt, bills, traffic, laundry, bad weather, TV and more of the same them I will be the first to tell you to jump! Gratefully I have found so much more!

It is my strong belief, not that you care, but it is my blog so…. Lol. As I was saying I strongly believe that no one is here by accident or mistake. There is a purpose for all. Yes there are conceptions under many unconventional circumstances leading you to doubt that, but those same lives could have been miscarried or deliberately aborted yet they arrived here anyhow. I have to believe that there is a master plan. Yes there are many factors to reflect on:
Our parents – which for many wish they had a choice in, but alas we do not.
How and where we were raised
Both the choices that were made for us and the ones we need to take responsibility for.
All of these shape the road we travel, but there is a road – which is sometimes the one less traveled. Despite the pot holes and at times the canyons there is still some unexplainable force on the inside that drives us, it pushes. In most of us there is at some point a compelling something to seek out who we are and why we are here. There is an inborn desire to answer that question and to know our maker because for me, that is where the answers lie. Who better to tell me who I am and what I am here for than the One who made me and placed me.

For lots of people this quest is just too demanding. They have questions, but feel that finding the answer would just be overwhelming only leading not to answers, but more questions. Whilst they are not wrong, it doesn’t mean that there won’t be another answer?

I am eternally grateful that I have found in Christ a love, an acceptance and an answer. I have also found new and exciting questions. Many pastors and spiritual leaders tend to be intimidated by questions and minds that really think, but I assure you that God has been around a lot longer and I just do not get the feeling that He is panic-stricken by any challenge that we can present Him with. On the contrary I think that He enjoys our probings and seekings - that is when we can find solutions. Granted we may not like some of the answers, we may not understand them, we may not even agree and yes some will be answered in another life, but in my heart I have the conviction and comfort that they will be addressed. Just as I raise my kids and change my responses to suit their levels of maturity and understanding, God too is mindful of what we can handle and what we are just not in a place to grasp as yet. Emotionally we are cautious of what we expose children to. We are also aware of our age, strength and careful about the strain we put physically on our own bodies. I never let my children carry things that I know are just too heavy for them. We never seem to pay attention to our spiritual strength, age and level of development as an area of sensitivity and awareness. I am thankful that God does, even when it may be frustrating to us. It is just like my little prince who gets upset because he desperately wants to take the biggest grocery bag just to help mommy - who won’t let him. The load is too heavy. He cannot handle it now… but one day! Ironically when he will be of age and strength it will be like pulling teeth to get him to take the groceries out of the car! Life!!!

So who are you? ASK! He is the mirror. There you will see yourself as you truly are. In Him you will find: why you are here and what you ought to be doing. Therein will you discover ‘the secret’ to your personal and ultimate joy and peace which is the real definition of success.

One peace is enough.

Then fix it Dear Henry.... Talking Tears (2)

Once I realized that my bucket was clearly flawed, I was a little stunned. Didn’t really know how to handle that. I was speechless. Shortly after this I lay on my bed on a quiet Sunday afternoon after a lovely morning at church. I was getting the strangest feeling that something was amiss. Not being able to put my finger or anything else on it, I thought it best to just “be still”. I spent the afternoon in and out of sleep – mostly staying in that in between subconscious easy to hear from God kinda place. Before long I experienced something that had a profound and permanent effect on me.

Talking Tears?

My life seems to have turned into ever changing circumstances and situations resulting in a myriad of emotions, some with names and others which have not been comprehended yet alone identified. Those with names are easy, and I use the word 'easy' rather loosely here. I at least know what they are and where they are coming from. I talk to friends and they comfort the best that they can. But when the sun goes down this battle is mine alone to fight. I am the only one in my head. I talk to God and tell Him the truth with a vocabulary that I have pulled together from every corner of my brain just to try to get it out right. But I don't do much justice. That is when the "unnamed" feelings blow in, often on the wings of tears. Tears that flow quite freely - without much warning or explanation and leave no scars. It is during those times that like Jericho all my walls come crashing down. No facades, no masks, just purity and sincerity. In other words, for this, there are just no words.
I enter in. I enter a place where God with all His wisdom and glory and love grant my tears a voice. He allows them to talk, to say the things that I am unable to articulate either out of insecurity or inability. He meets me here, as this is as far as my desires and abilities let me. He interprets every drop in all its significance and magnitude - and as they roll down my chubby cheek onto my double chin, He knows, He feels, He gets it.
Once the agenda is complete having said and done all that they were sent for, my tears’ voice turn into a whisper till they are barely heard. I am emptied of these emotions as transformed ones are released from within as if on the wings of a new butterfly - fragile, gentle and beautiful.
Until recently I never thought about what happened if anything to all my tears. I figured they talked and dried on my face and that was that. In talking to a therapist friend not too long ago and I expressed how difficult it is for me to stay full on the inside - to feel whole. I told her that I prayed and talked to myself and listened to inspirational speakers and encouraging music and spent most of my free time building myself up. Whilst I understand that all this is necessary for me to be strengthened and get my life back together again I find it frustrating to wake up every morning only to find that I again feel empty and have to go through the process all over again. Will this never end? Will I not feel whole for an extended period of time? This is becoming exhausting to say the least. I mean I have family, wonderful family and great friends. I have loving, funny and energetic healthy kids who just adore me. What the hell is wrong with me?!
My friend explained to me that for almost half of my life I was with my husband and this is a bigger deal than I realize. She said that it takes people years to feel whole and get their lives in order again after a divorce. She pointed out that I was doing the right things. The key was to do them consistently and then eventually I would begin to see lasting results. Whilst I was grateful for her and the freebie advice I was annoyed to say the least. Years, I have to go through this for years? You have to be kidding me??!! No way! God, no way! I need a miracle and I know You still do those and need one now, please! I told her that I felt like empty bucket and that what I was doing felt like a drop in it. To add insult to injury on most days I felt like my bucket had a whole in it…... dear Liza, dear Liza!
Then I realized that all my tears were falling into the bucket and out through the hole… damn!

PMS... Please Make Sense

Why dedicate and entire post to this issue? Be patient with me here, it will soon make sense.
PMS....Please make sense ........... indeed! The man in your life makes the mistake of opening his mouth and says "Are you PMSing?" As stupid as he apparently is, he wonders why this woman of his has suddenly turned into a fire breathing monster as a result of his simple question. Then there were the times when I got my period and my husband would exclaim “OH!!” As if the arrival of my monthly plague (or relief that I was not pregnant), was an explanation for some undesirable behaviour that I had displayed during the week. Gosh !!... For years I resented the sentiment that my expression of a strong view meant that my period was on the way as opposed to the possibility that I actually had an opinion.

Men let it be said and let it be heard. No matter what you think, do not imply that her actions are because of her period, because regardless of whether or not it is - you cannot come out of this unscathed. Trust me! I have known many a woman who admittedly suffered with the horrid effects of PMS. I always felt sympathy for them and those around them. At the same time I felt gratitude that I didn’t have to endure such atrocities, and pride that the people around me didn’t have to put up with it either. What a fool! Rubbish all rubbish. Truth be told I had been experiencing it and my family did have to bear this reoccurring burden without daring to mention it. There I said it! Unfortunately I made this incredible discovery late into my twenties. With the magic of free websites that can track these things I began tracking my symptoms, and patterns began to emerge. With the pain of the divorce it took great investigative skill to decipher between the effects of the divorce and the symptoms of PMS. I don’t know if men experience this, but we get these really high days, low days and then there are the days in between. I seconded guessed my choices as I my desires seemed to changed with the wind. I was loosing faith in me.
I am actually very grateful for those mid ground days. They used to feel a little boring, but now they represent my peace. Nothing good, but nothing bad, just calm… comfort

As enjoyable as the high days were, I had enough understanding to know that an equally low day was approaching with a vengeance. And so I waited…. With fear and trebling I waited. Eventually I got to a point where I simply enjoyed the high days and endured the low days knowing that this too shall pass. I saved major decisions for the mid days as those were the ones that I was least likely to regret. So I became a frustrated, exasperating, accumulation of fluctuating emotions that seem to dictate to me the kind of day that I was to have. The divorce was and still is very difficult but will one day pass. On the other hand I began to use the PMS as a crutch. Don’t get me wrong. PMS is real. It is difficult and presents a major challenge. But it is not something that must control us, at least not me…. anymore. I am in control. I am taking a stand. I admit it: I PMS. I get sensitive. I get witchy. But I have power and ladies so do you.

So now, when I express a belief passionately I also have the confidence that it is my own thought and not that of a temporary chemical make up. When I have a low day I know that although there is a justifiable physical reason for it, I still don’t have to succumb to it. Now I am free. Free to admit. Free to accept me. Free to trust me. Free to take the power and choose to rely on my Lord.

In The Beginning...

Well hello and good morning. Welcome to my life.

In the beginning there is... well me... well maybe God, but then me.
Really excited about blogging. Never really saw the point or understood why people did it, but now I feel that it is the modern journal and so now I dig it.

Don't really know what to say or write but I suppose whatever is on my mind really will suffice.

In the middle of what seems to be the chaos that is my life currently, surprisingly I find peace. Peace from my two kids Roniya and Rishon, my family, concerned friends, my job and most important my loving God. Right now my life consists of my impending divorce from my first love and husband of 10 years. That in itself conjures up a host of emotions, questions with no answers and answers that cause more pain.

But what is a girl to do but pick up the broken peices of herself that seem to be spread all over the place. I call it the Humpty Dumpty mission. What the king's horses and the king's men could not do, I confidently pray that the King Himself will. This task has proven though to be impossible without tearful days and lonely moments. But I press on...... pursuing the vision that He has placed in my heart. That vision that refuses to die, refuses to sleep, refuses to give me rest till it sees the full light of day.... And oh it shall!