My life seems to have turned into ever changing circumstances and situations resulting in a myriad of emotions, some with names and others which have not been comprehended yet alone identified. Those with names are easy, and I use the word 'easy' rather loosely here. I at least know what they are and where they are coming from. I talk to friends and they comfort the best that they can. But when the sun goes down this battle is mine alone to fight. I am the only one in my head. I talk to God and tell Him the truth with a vocabulary that I have pulled together from every corner of my brain just to try to get it out right. But I don't do much justice. That is when the "unnamed" feelings blow in, often on the wings of tears. Tears that flow quite freely - without much warning or explanation and leave no scars. It is during those times that like Jericho all my walls come crashing down. No facades, no masks, just purity and sincerity. In other words, for this, there are just no words.
I enter in. I enter a place where God with all His wisdom and glory and love grant my tears a voice. He allows them to talk, to say the things that I am unable to articulate either out of insecurity or inability. He meets me here, as this is as far as my desires and abilities let me. He interprets every drop in all its significance and magnitude - and as they roll down my chubby cheek onto my double chin, He knows, He feels, He gets it.
Once the agenda is complete having said and done all that they were sent for, my tears’ voice turn into a whisper till they are barely heard. I am emptied of these emotions as transformed ones are released from within as if on the wings of a new butterfly - fragile, gentle and beautiful.
Until recently I never thought about what happened if anything to all my tears. I figured they talked and dried on my face and that was that. In talking to a therapist friend not too long ago and I expressed how difficult it is for me to stay full on the inside - to feel whole. I told her that I prayed and talked to myself and listened to inspirational speakers and encouraging music and spent most of my free time building myself up. Whilst I understand that all this is necessary for me to be strengthened and get my life back together again I find it frustrating to wake up every morning only to find that I again feel empty and have to go through the process all over again. Will this never end? Will I not feel whole for an extended period of time? This is becoming exhausting to say the least. I mean I have family, wonderful family and great friends. I have loving, funny and energetic healthy kids who just adore me. What the hell is wrong with me?!
My friend explained to me that for almost half of my life I was with my husband and this is a bigger deal than I realize. She said that it takes people years to feel whole and get their lives in order again after a divorce. She pointed out that I was doing the right things. The key was to do them consistently and then eventually I would begin to see lasting results. Whilst I was grateful for her and the freebie advice I was annoyed to say the least. Years, I have to go through this for years? You have to be kidding me??!! No way! God, no way! I need a miracle and I know You still do those and need one now, please! I told her that I felt like empty bucket and that what I was doing felt like a drop in it. To add insult to injury on most days I felt like my bucket had a whole in it…... dear Liza, dear Liza!
Then I realized that all my tears were falling into the bucket and out through the hole… damn!
Tuesday, 15 January 2008
Monday, 14 January 2008
PMS... Please Make Sense
Why dedicate and entire post to this issue? Be patient with me here, it will soon make sense.
PMS....Please make sense ........... indeed! The man in your life makes the mistake of opening his mouth and says "Are you PMSing?" As stupid as he apparently is, he wonders why this woman of his has suddenly turned into a fire breathing monster as a result of his simple question. Then there were the times when I got my period and my husband would exclaim “OH!!” As if the arrival of my monthly plague (or relief that I was not pregnant), was an explanation for some undesirable behaviour that I had displayed during the week. Gosh !!... For years I resented the sentiment that my expression of a strong view meant that my period was on the way as opposed to the possibility that I actually had an opinion.
Men let it be said and let it be heard. No matter what you think, do not imply that her actions are because of her period, because regardless of whether or not it is - you cannot come out of this unscathed. Trust me! I have known many a woman who admittedly suffered with the horrid effects of PMS. I always felt sympathy for them and those around them. At the same time I felt gratitude that I didn’t have to endure such atrocities, and pride that the people around me didn’t have to put up with it either. What a fool! Rubbish all rubbish. Truth be told I had been experiencing it and my family did have to bear this reoccurring burden without daring to mention it. There I said it! Unfortunately I made this incredible discovery late into my twenties. With the magic of free websites that can track these things I began tracking my symptoms, and patterns began to emerge. With the pain of the divorce it took great investigative skill to decipher between the effects of the divorce and the symptoms of PMS. I don’t know if men experience this, but we get these really high days, low days and then there are the days in between. I seconded guessed my choices as I my desires seemed to changed with the wind. I was loosing faith in me.
I am actually very grateful for those mid ground days. They used to feel a little boring, but now they represent my peace. Nothing good, but nothing bad, just calm… comfort
As enjoyable as the high days were, I had enough understanding to know that an equally low day was approaching with a vengeance. And so I waited…. With fear and trebling I waited. Eventually I got to a point where I simply enjoyed the high days and endured the low days knowing that this too shall pass. I saved major decisions for the mid days as those were the ones that I was least likely to regret. So I became a frustrated, exasperating, accumulation of fluctuating emotions that seem to dictate to me the kind of day that I was to have. The divorce was and still is very difficult but will one day pass. On the other hand I began to use the PMS as a crutch. Don’t get me wrong. PMS is real. It is difficult and presents a major challenge. But it is not something that must control us, at least not me…. anymore. I am in control. I am taking a stand. I admit it: I PMS. I get sensitive. I get witchy. But I have power and ladies so do you.
So now, when I express a belief passionately I also have the confidence that it is my own thought and not that of a temporary chemical make up. When I have a low day I know that although there is a justifiable physical reason for it, I still don’t have to succumb to it. Now I am free. Free to admit. Free to accept me. Free to trust me. Free to take the power and choose to rely on my Lord.
PMS....Please make sense ........... indeed! The man in your life makes the mistake of opening his mouth and says "Are you PMSing?" As stupid as he apparently is, he wonders why this woman of his has suddenly turned into a fire breathing monster as a result of his simple question. Then there were the times when I got my period and my husband would exclaim “OH!!” As if the arrival of my monthly plague (or relief that I was not pregnant), was an explanation for some undesirable behaviour that I had displayed during the week. Gosh !!... For years I resented the sentiment that my expression of a strong view meant that my period was on the way as opposed to the possibility that I actually had an opinion.
Men let it be said and let it be heard. No matter what you think, do not imply that her actions are because of her period, because regardless of whether or not it is - you cannot come out of this unscathed. Trust me! I have known many a woman who admittedly suffered with the horrid effects of PMS. I always felt sympathy for them and those around them. At the same time I felt gratitude that I didn’t have to endure such atrocities, and pride that the people around me didn’t have to put up with it either. What a fool! Rubbish all rubbish. Truth be told I had been experiencing it and my family did have to bear this reoccurring burden without daring to mention it. There I said it! Unfortunately I made this incredible discovery late into my twenties. With the magic of free websites that can track these things I began tracking my symptoms, and patterns began to emerge. With the pain of the divorce it took great investigative skill to decipher between the effects of the divorce and the symptoms of PMS. I don’t know if men experience this, but we get these really high days, low days and then there are the days in between. I seconded guessed my choices as I my desires seemed to changed with the wind. I was loosing faith in me.
I am actually very grateful for those mid ground days. They used to feel a little boring, but now they represent my peace. Nothing good, but nothing bad, just calm… comfort
As enjoyable as the high days were, I had enough understanding to know that an equally low day was approaching with a vengeance. And so I waited…. With fear and trebling I waited. Eventually I got to a point where I simply enjoyed the high days and endured the low days knowing that this too shall pass. I saved major decisions for the mid days as those were the ones that I was least likely to regret. So I became a frustrated, exasperating, accumulation of fluctuating emotions that seem to dictate to me the kind of day that I was to have. The divorce was and still is very difficult but will one day pass. On the other hand I began to use the PMS as a crutch. Don’t get me wrong. PMS is real. It is difficult and presents a major challenge. But it is not something that must control us, at least not me…. anymore. I am in control. I am taking a stand. I admit it: I PMS. I get sensitive. I get witchy. But I have power and ladies so do you.
So now, when I express a belief passionately I also have the confidence that it is my own thought and not that of a temporary chemical make up. When I have a low day I know that although there is a justifiable physical reason for it, I still don’t have to succumb to it. Now I am free. Free to admit. Free to accept me. Free to trust me. Free to take the power and choose to rely on my Lord.
Saturday, 12 January 2008
In The Beginning...
Well hello and good morning. Welcome to my life.
In the beginning there is... well me... well maybe God, but then me.
Really excited about blogging. Never really saw the point or understood why people did it, but now I feel that it is the modern journal and so now I dig it.
Don't really know what to say or write but I suppose whatever is on my mind really will suffice.
In the middle of what seems to be the chaos that is my life currently, surprisingly I find peace. Peace from my two kids Roniya and Rishon, my family, concerned friends, my job and most important my loving God. Right now my life consists of my impending divorce from my first love and husband of 10 years. That in itself conjures up a host of emotions, questions with no answers and answers that cause more pain.
But what is a girl to do but pick up the broken peices of herself that seem to be spread all over the place. I call it the Humpty Dumpty mission. What the king's horses and the king's men could not do, I confidently pray that the King Himself will. This task has proven though to be impossible without tearful days and lonely moments. But I press on...... pursuing the vision that He has placed in my heart. That vision that refuses to die, refuses to sleep, refuses to give me rest till it sees the full light of day.... And oh it shall!
In the beginning there is... well me... well maybe God, but then me.
Really excited about blogging. Never really saw the point or understood why people did it, but now I feel that it is the modern journal and so now I dig it.
Don't really know what to say or write but I suppose whatever is on my mind really will suffice.
In the middle of what seems to be the chaos that is my life currently, surprisingly I find peace. Peace from my two kids Roniya and Rishon, my family, concerned friends, my job and most important my loving God. Right now my life consists of my impending divorce from my first love and husband of 10 years. That in itself conjures up a host of emotions, questions with no answers and answers that cause more pain.
But what is a girl to do but pick up the broken peices of herself that seem to be spread all over the place. I call it the Humpty Dumpty mission. What the king's horses and the king's men could not do, I confidently pray that the King Himself will. This task has proven though to be impossible without tearful days and lonely moments. But I press on...... pursuing the vision that He has placed in my heart. That vision that refuses to die, refuses to sleep, refuses to give me rest till it sees the full light of day.... And oh it shall!
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